26 July 2011

Primate Update

I can call exactly one thing a success today & you're going to think that I'm really, really pushing it to call such a thing a success. I found the source of the stench in Ben's room.

Painful Recap: yesterday when Ben finally fell asleep for his nap, I checked in on him & found him naked with two big urine spots on the bed, room reeking. I put a new diaper on him & towel under him & let him be. When he woke up, I stripped the bed of sheets, scrubbed the spots that were left under the NON-waterproof mattress pad (seriously, why do these exist for cribs?), put new sheets on, etc. This morning it still stunk, which I imagined was because he might still be dehydrated from his flu, which would make his tinkle extra potent. I sprinkled covered his bed in baking soda, let it sit then vacuumed off, flipped the mattress, put on another new set of sheets. Also have been trying to force water down his throat all day to combat any lingering dehydration. Still stunk this afternoon so down on my hands & knees with antibacterial scrub to the actual wood on the crib, thinking maybe he peed on it like a drunken frat boy or something (no offense to frat boys but I apparently think they're inappropriate urinators - weird how such prejudices show themselves).

Anyway, halfway through wiping the bed down, I'm turning it around & there I find two prize TURDS hidden conveniently under it & on a little toy box that we'd tucked away to use later (yes, it's now been trashed). I realize I shouldn't be the least bit happy that my son not only strips himself & poops in his bed instead of going down for his nap like a normal child but also tosses said poop out of his bed so that we don't see it. And maybe I should be confused as to why my son's poop smells like heavily saturated urine but whatever. I'm just happy to have found the source of the monkey house smell & know that I'm not turning into a psycho whose hands will be disintegrating from over-bleaching everything within reach because I can smell awful things no one else can. I guess I'm just a glass half-full kinda gal when it comes to finding human poo in my home.

I still haven't tackled the bathroom sweeping & mopping jamboree so we are far from calling the whole day successful. I did manage to sanitize a bunch of Ben's old toys for the new baby but managed to splash myself with boiling water THREE times before I realized that I didn't need to stir the toys like they were part of a spooky little stew. Also, Ben fought his nap like he was Rumbling in the Jungle so I've officially decided to call it & declare that he is no longer a napper. If he runs like a crazy person all morning then we'll give it a try & I'll let the daycare woman enjoy her successful streak of easy napping but it's not worth the amount of anxiety & gnashing of teeth that it causes me day in & day out. I even attempted the old sleeping on his floor today, hoping it would inspire him or at least make him tremble in fear that I would scold him like a homeless person (I did)(& yes, I have a serious history of being yelled at by homeless people)(was called "white devil" twice in one week on the metro in DC by different people & I am seriously the most polite train-rider ever so what can you do?) but nothing worked. And now I'm realizing how close I was to that poop while I was on the floor so that's lovely.

And as I was typing that paragraph about how he didn't need naps anymore Ben whacked himself in the head with a wooden flute - where do we get these things? - & wailed like it was a shark attack. Obviously he gets tired so maybe we'll settle for quiet time, which will hopefully help us both rest without one of us losing our danged mind.

So there you have it, two really boring (one kinda gross) blogs in one day. It's like Christmas but nowhere near as exciting & with none of the gorgeous food. No presents either or ugly sweaters. Maybe it's more like Arbor Day instead.

25 July 2011

That's MISTER Evil Doctor Porkchop to you.

We shall see if this post makes it up anytime today. We have reached the end of our high speed internet allowance so have been enjoying the quaint old-timeyness of super slow internet where pictures never load & I've had to switch my gmail to html or it wouldn't work at all. If I ever run into this Internet person on the street, I'm going to strangle him - how can you limit something that's just "out there"???? As Gob would say, come on!

The gentlemen (I use that word loosely around here) of the house are getting back to their healthy selves. Ben's appetite has come back with a vengeance after almost a week of non-existence where I feared he would backslide into his absolute lack of interest in food but he is gobbling up his meals (again, that's a loose term compared to his old habits not compared to other bottomless pit toddlers) & even trying new things. Makes me a happy mama when I can get a few bites of veggies in him, though it seems the items he still avoids like the plague are anything with any kind of Iron in them so if you know any tricks please share them. I'm currently in the stage of hiding veggies in things & I am earnestly praying that bananas become affordable someday soon so we can get back to daily smoothies packed with spinach but at $16/kilo they are but a dream.

I'm in such a cranky mood today & for no real reason. I hate starting a day in a funk & it pretty much guarantees annoying little happenings that will be blown into over the top disasters. Example: Ben snuck into the bathroom, unwound all the toilet paper & dumped almost all the contents of the toilet cleaner stuff all over the toilet & floor, which was lovely. I've cleaned up what I can but now have to mop the stupid bathroom, which means I have to sweep it too, which means I may as well clean the freaking shower & bath & sink too. Ugh, unexpected bathroom cleaning is the worst - I like to set a day of the week in my mind in advance to prepare myself for that particular hell. And add to that Ben pulled his favorite nap trick of taking off pants, unbuttoning his onesie, taking off his diaper & peeing in the bed yesterday. I replaced the sheets & mattress cover but apparently the other mattress cover wasn't liquid-proof (WHAT IS THE POINT OF A CRIB MATTRESS COVER THAT IS NOT PEE-PEE PROOF????) so the mattress still reeks today. Have sprinkled baking soda all over it, have the window open airing it out & am going to have to make a Febreze run sometime soon. Hoping the baking soda will work its magic like it did with the vomit on the couch last week but we'll see when I vacuum it up. Anyway, between yesterday's tinkle & now Ben's bathroom fiasco, I have had quite enough toilet-related chores.

On a less whiny note, I am happy to report that the pregnancy is still going smoothly at this point. My tailbone pain has flared up a few times, especially last night, but it's nothing compared to the constant pain I had last time around. It's worst when I've been running around all day so I guess it makes sense that last pregnancy was rougher because I had over 3 hours of commuting every day then office chairs & running around at work, whereas this time I can sit comfortably when I need to & stretch all I want, etc. Now if I could just get Ben back into a decent nap routine (stop laughing, we managed it for like 3 weeks out of 2 years so maybe we can make lightning strike twice) then I could take a nap myself. I would do illegal things to get a nap these days, I tell you.

I've got a 32-week scan coming up in 2 weeks & I'll start seeing my doctor & the midwives more often after that, which I guess is good because it means I'm getting closer to meeting our new little guy. I'm still in the high risk group after all my earlier drama & they still want to keep a close eye on Fonzie's weight because my abnormal blood result that started that whole mess can mean he'll be underweight. So I'm 30 weeks as of today & I'll have my c-section at 39 weeks so obviously 9 weeks to go. So much to accomplish in that time! I'm actually happy that we have so much to do, re-organizing, cleaning, little house repairs, etc. so that we'll stay busy & hopefully the 9 weeks will go more quickly than the final weeks of Ben's pregnancy. I suppose just having a toddler running our lives means that we can't just sit & obsess over the baby, the baby, the baby so that makes time go more quickly too. We don't schedule the exact surgery date until I'm 36 weeks so that's another little milestone to look forward to as well. And then Oma will be here before you know it & it will be time for little Fonzarelli's grand entrance. Hopefully he will be named by then.

I'm not sure how I'm going to handle growing for another couple of months - I'm way past the point of "cute" & leaning more towards "whoa mama" so I'm going to be lucky if I don't just topple over by the end. I keep giving my clothes little pep talks that they're doing a great job of stretching & keeping up with me but I just hope they're up to the rest of the challenge!

Speaking of stretchy clothes, I'm currently working on my hospital bag & have made some of the greatest purchases of my life - granny panties. Because I'm actually able to plan for the c-section this time & know what to expect I figured the high-waisted undies would be much kinder to my incision as lower waisted ones like maternity panties hit right on the spot, which isn't pleasant. So yes, I purchased granny panties. Did you know they make them in awesome prints these days??? People, I own LEOPARD PRINT granny panties!! There's also some gorgeous modern flowery ones & then just lovely solid shades. I am so tickled by these things (it doesn't take much for me these days) that I would honestly post a picture of them but I'm 100% sure that would cross one of Marcel's lines of unacceptability. *sigh* He also did not appreciate the dance his ridiculously pregnant wife did in a pair of these monstrous panties for his delight so he obviously has had a serious injury to his sense of humor.

So with that mental picture, I bid you adieu. Hope all is well in your corner of the world. I am off to buy some Febreze & possibly to swing by Pies in the Sky to get a couple of nice chicken & veggie pies for lunch. Ellie on Masterchef made a pie last night & I have had the hankering for one ever since. Hope you have some grand plans for yourself as well! xoxo

19 July 2011


So I think I remember this time last pregnancy that I was much more miserable than I am this time - lots of whining throughout my last trimester in general. Then I felt a little smug that I was doing so well this time, then I panicked because even thinking that for a moment seems to guarantee disaster & I'm still waiting on some test results & have an ultrasound in a few weeks so must conserve positivity. Therefore, I decided to make a list of my few complaints this time just to make sure I'm putting a bit of negativity out into the cosmos for old times sake.

And for extra old times sake, I am going to list them in the exact way I used to write out my homework answers (mostly vocabulary words I suppose in this format) in middle school, underlining & indentation included. A teacher complimented me on it ONCE & my head swelled enormously so I still find myself thinking that it must be the way to go. The new slightly greener me realizes I probably wasted a hell of a lot of paper with all my spacing on top of the fact that my loopy handwriting meant I couldn't fit many answers per page.

1. Snoring -
         Hey howdy hey, my husband is not a fan of sharing the bed with me these days. Apparently I am sawing logs & can bring down the house. Unfortunately, the only way he has found to successfully get me to roll over & stop snoring is to push me IN THE FACE. He swears he tries to just shake me or push me in a less terrible way but I only respond to being poked in the face. Good times, good times.
         When I was pregnant with Ben I also snored my fool head off so I know it will go away but I'm not sure our relationship will survive that long with his lack of sleep & my not being a fan of being facially assaulted.

2. Crackly Back -
         This is so minor it's not worth mentioning really but I have noticed that when I roll over in bed (yes, almost all my complaints are sleep-related) my lower back/tailbone area makes a crinkly crunchy noise. No pain, just sounds like my bones are deteriorating under the weight of my enormous girth.

3. Knee pain -
         I know you're thinking that it makes sense to have joint pain, especially the knees since my legs aren't used to carrying all this extra weight around but they only hurt when I'm in bed! It seems like this would be the best time for my knees as I can't imagine what weight they think they're hoisting around down there, doing nothing. Sometimes I even wedge a pillow between my legs under my stomach to take some strain off of my hips, back & whatever else needs it (do not get me started on the stupid pregnancy pillow I got during my last pregnancy that literally surrounded me & did not enjoy a good relationship with Marcel)(we donated that sucker to charity because it was too big to store & too annoying to consider using again). So yes, my knees ache all night for some reason. My hands also fall asleep constantly, especially if I put them under my head or pillow like I apparently do regularly - this doesn't need its own entry on the list.

4. Cellulite & spider veins -
         I should leave these off the list because they're embarrassing but I want to be honest. Now I've got a bit of extra weight on me to begin with before pregnancy so I've got my share of dimples. To be honest, I had dimples & a few spider veins even when I was super skinny many years ago so I should have seen this coming but pregnancy is not kind to my legs & I thank the sweet heavens that I have not had to put on a bathing suit whilst pregnant yet or you would cry. And that would make me cry & it's not nice to make a pregnant woman cry.

5. The Emotional Roller Coaster -
         I completely avoided any waterworks with Ben's pregnancy. Honestly, I think I cried two or maybe three times during the entire pregnancy so I cried even less than I normally would. And the things I cried for were momentous, like Obama's acceptance speech & his inauguration. I can't remember what the third was so maybe it was petty.
         Anyway, this pregnancy is another story. If you had peeked into our house last night, you would have seen me sobbing at a "feel good" news story about retired men making wheelchairs for poor disabled kids in Vanuatu. I was a mess, totally wrecked - terrified my poor husband.

6. A Second First Trimester? -
         Since I've entered my 3rd trimester, which was like a week ago, it's like I'm back to the beginning - so stinking sleepy all the time & I want to E-A-T. More exactly, I want to eat sweets. Cookies, pie, brownies, cake, I can't even think straight sometimes because I'm fantasizing about what terribly unhealthy thing I'm craving at the moment. Thankfully I've been able to control most of my urges but I did a major grocery trip today & it included a brownie mix & some miniature pavlova shells with cream & some lovely fruit that I will add sugar too so it will be syrupy & unhealthy enough to meet my quota. If they manage to last a week in this house while I'm feeling like this, it will be a major victory my friends. There is a good chance I'll be on the couch tonight with a brownie in one hand & a little pavlova in the other, maybe some chips & dip to balance it out ... now I have to go eat something now before I gnaw off my own hand!
         I hope upon hope & wish upon wish that I don't get my first trimester "morning" sickness back - if I do there is no hope for mankind. I will go off on the world like Godzilla taking Tokyo, I tell you. Well, I will do that in my mind because if I'm that ill again I wouldn't be able to scrape myself off the couch & onto a plane so Tokyo is probably pretty safe after all.

Okay, I seriously did hurt myself by typing out my food fantasies so now I have to go do some laundry, clean the kitchen & try my best not to open the pantry or refrigerator.

P.S. I just went to check my weekly pregnancy update (29 weeks today - 10 to go!) & this is the first line:
As your appetite increases to match your baby's third trimester growth spurt, try to resist eating too many cakes, sweets and fast food snacks.


14 July 2011

Thoughts on Thursday

Had my 28 week checkup today & all is well. I think all is well at least. She mentioned that my last urine test had one of those random results that might need antibiotics. For some odd reason I was tuned out at the time even though there was absolutely nothing else going on at the time for me to be focusing on but I know she said something about "B" & even if today's urine test came back negative I'd still have to have IV antibiotics when I gave birth. Huh, what? That's when I tuned back in but I still just nodded & took the prescription just in case it comes back positive so they can treat the infection or whatever it was. You'd think that this pregnancy is the only actual important thing going on in my current life that I could pay attention to the midwife! I'll just google it all later before I have to explain it to anyone.

I also had the glucose test today, which is less than pleasant. The first sip is always fine & I think "No big deal, just like Sprite" then two sips later I'm gagging on the overly sweetness on it. Gack. There is little doubt in my mind that the test result will be bad - not because I actually have gestational diabetes but because I have yet to have a test that had good results the first go 'round. So I'm sure I'll have to do the next level of glucose test where I have to sit still for 2 hours instead of just one like today (Ben was not a fan of today, by the way). And I am willing to bet $50 that I have another UTI infection with this latest urine test because I've yet to have a urine test that didn't come back with a UTI that I didn't know I had. I'm not being negative is the sad part, it's just the way that this pregnancy is going.

So tomorrow is our second try at Ben's first day of daycare!!! I'm very excited & a lot less worried than last week - the last minute reprieve proved to me how much I was looking forward to a day to myself. I really truly think Ben is going to love it ... except for how much he misses his mother, of course. And there's a morning matinee of Bridesmaids at just the right time after I drop him off so I might go see it again to distract myself for those first hours of missing him. Then I have errands & cleaning to take up my time. What if he hates it? Oh goodness, need to focus on the positive!

14 July 2011
I obviously gave up writing yesterday so I thought I'd chime back in today & say that daycare was a resounding success. He had a blast playing with the kids & toys & even took a decent nap. Didn't eat much but that's not great surprise - I hope he enjoys going back next week too.

Oh! I finally figured out who I would like to see with Leonardo DiCaprio. I am assuming you remember my essay on his love life from weeks (months?) ago. Anyway, Charlize Theron! Rumor is she's dating Ryan Reynolds these days but I think her & Leo are more on the same level (no offense to Mr. Reynolds who is a little slice of heaven himself) with their acting. I will always adore Charlize for playing Rita on Arrested Development - hysterical - so we know she has a good sense of humor & they're both Oscar caliber A-listers. She fits his tall blonde criteria. How do I make this happen?

I did a bit of research on my urine test results & apparently my midwife was talking about Strep B & it really doesn't sound so nice. If I truly have it then it's likely that it's caused my constant UTIs & I could pass it on my lovely son in birth so even if this test comes back as negative, I'll still have to have IV antibiotics because it can come & go. Actually, I don't think I can pass it along form a c-section since he won't have any contact with my hoo-hah but I try to avoid any of the technical hoo-hah conversation in this forum. I am eagerly awaiting the results in any case. If it's passed on to a newborn it can cause some pretty serious things like meningitis, which I'd love to avoid obviously.

Okay, I'm off to try to convince my son to eat some decent food tonight since he only really ate his snacks today. Silly goose.

06 July 2011


The lovely sun has been peeking its fool head out the past few days, which is thrilling my soul! It has also reminded me that I desperately need to buy new sunglasses. I have a history of buying very large sunnies but the last pair I got was smaller & probably more stylish. Needless to say I wore them once before a certain pesky toddler got his mitts on them & yanked them apart. Luckily, I am also the cheapest person alive so this didn't set me back much.

This time around I decided I wanted to go back to big sunglasses & I think I accomplished that. Perhaps it's all the helpful pregnancy articles advising us fatty swollen-bellied ladies to wear big accessories (chunky necklaces! dangly earrings! bright scarves!) to draw the eye away from our precious baby bumps, which are also known as FAT ASSES. Anyhow, maybe I have read too much of this advice because my little pea-brain kept telling me that I could find bigger, bigger, BIGGER sunglasses. Until I landed on the windshields that now decorate my face.

I only tried these on for a few seconds at the store before saying to myself "Yes, yes, these will do jussssst fine." They do fit my brief for large at least but maybe I need to consider more criteria, like not-ugly or less ridiculous.

It's as if Elton John's old concert wear crept into my childhood photos & made a baby with my mom's early-80's accessories & they sold the baby at Target ... to this sucker.

I had an eager witness to my sunglasses fashion photo spread. I'm doing my best to keep him far away from the new jumbotrons but he is drawn to them like Gollum to the Precious.
And I would like to point out that this is officially the first time that when I turned the camera on him, he actually smiled & said "Cheese!" Well, let's be honest he said "Seeeee!" His talking is actually improving & anyone could have been able to tell what he meant anyway. 
He's the best.

I am fully expecting an intervention to stop me from buying ridiculous accessories & probably another one to stop me from taking pictures of myself inside the bathroom like a 13 year-old.
 Until then, party on!

It's only 2pm but I'm calling this day a success. First there was the incredibly flattering photos (hahaha), then Ben & I bought enough groceries that we may be able to create actual meals from them instead of trying to figure out what the hell we spent our money on when our refrigerator is still empty. I also had a very cute outfit on today. We will ignore the fact that I didn't even make it into the car before a button magically popped off my jacket. We will also ignore the fact that I can't find my tummy hider thing so was wearing pre-maternity jeans fully buttoned up under my gut bump & was downright light-headed before the shopping trip was over. 

So yes, I'm calling this day a success even though the house is a certified disaster zone, Ben is singing in his bed instead of sleeping (I'll have to get video of this singing, which is his new favorite past time) & I haven't finished my laundry or started the zucchini muffins I vowed to make today.

And what are the zucchini muffins for you ask? For eating, you moron. No, no, no, seriously they are for one of Ben's snacks tomorrow on his very first day of DAY CARE!!! I can't believe this day has almost arrived. I've been through every stage of worry, nervousness & neurotic "what if ..." scenarios but now I've firmly landed in happiness. He's going to have a blast with other kids his age. The whole point is to give me a day or two a week once I have the new baby as a little break but every expert I've read suggests starting the toddler a few months before the baby so Ben won't associate the two as the baby kicking him out of the house. Makes sense.

We chose a family daycare setup because that way there's only 5 or 6 kids in the house & the woman I chose lives maybe 4 or 5 minutes walking distance away. It's also a million dollars cheaper & that's before the lovely Australian government chips in to pay a chunk of it for us for some odd reason (I am not arguing). She seems wonderful & the kids that she has on Thursdays, which will be Ben's day, are all very close to his age so hopefully their wonderful eating & sleeping habits will rub off on him or at least he'll have a blast playing around them.

So yes, I'm nervous. He'll be fine - I've already gone over my list of neuroses with the daycare woman & she is fine with the fact that he might not eat well, may not nap & can't sit still to save his life. He'll probably prove me wrong just to spite me & I'm okay with that too. 

I had a grand plan of taking myself to a movie tomorrow during his first day so I could be distracted for a couple of hours but nothing I want to see starts early enough for me to get out & pick him up on time. I don't really want to be the mother who is late for her son's first day of daycare. So now I've given myself a list of errands to run that will be much easier without my partner in crime slowing me down (no offense, Ben) & shall spend the rest of the time neurotically cleaning the house & organizing things that really don't need organizing this early. But it will make me feel better & hopefully will keep me from falling asleep on the couch for 4 hours or getting sucked into terrible daytime TV movies & getting nothing accomplished. Pray for me.

Well, ya know I may be in my 3rd trimester now. One website says I am while the other one I consult weekly says I will be next week. I think you know which one I am choosing to believe. So the little lemon is due October 4th, which is less than 3 months now & the fact that I'm having another c-section knocks it another week earlier so we're finally getting somewhere! And I guess that means I really do need to be doing all that organizing after all - need to figure out exactly how we're going to refigure the office/changing room to become a guest room & where we'll be changing diapers during that time. I think I've got it all worked out in my brain but sometimes, just sometimes, there's a huge leap between what seems perfectly sound in my goofy logic & what is actually feasible in the real world. Shall have to convey my plans to Marcel to get his opinion, I suppose. 

I was going to write about our Canberra trip on this blog but I think we can all agree that comically large glasses take precedence. I will make it up at a later time. Now I'm making the big mistake of going to check on my son who is done singing but now saying some phrase I can't understand at regular intervals. I am pretty sure he'll have Houdini'ed his way out of his pj's & finagled his diaper from under his protective onesie by now so I really don't want to go in there for fear that my head is going to pop off. 

Anyhoo, hope you Americans had a wonderful 4th of July!! Hope you ate lots of amazing BBQ food for me & watched fireworks & listened to Lee Greenwood's Proud to be an American until your ears bled. And stop posting Casey Anthony updates unless you are starting a team of vigilantes to haunt her for the rest of her life by doing terribly annoying & creepy (but not illegal) things so she never forgets that the whole world knows what she did, even if we can't prove it.