pasty begone

I got a spray tan this morning. I saw no downside to this plan - cover up the dimples, veins and marks that magically appeared with my bundle of joy. I don't know why I don't think these plans through. The process itself was fast, easy & fantastic. I have no problem being topless in front of a strange woman for some reason so I decided to eliminate the bra tan lines and do it that way. Now, I brought Ben with me and could physically see him from where I was getting this spray tan and the tan lady and I were discussing our kids so I'm not sure how at no point in this 5 minutes did it dawn on me that my boy would need access to these soon-to-be-brown boobs. I walked out with my instructions for no water to touch me for 8 hours, no problem. Got home and was ready to go feed my boy and hmmmmm ... I suppose he probably shouldn't have to eat tanning spray. For what it's worth, it's all natural but still.

So I broke the golden rule and lathered up a wash cloth and started scrubbing my breasts. All good, have a clean palate for my son but got a few drops of water on my thighs (sidenote: I was paranoid of rubbing off tanning solution so opted to stay in my bikini bottoms as any moron would do) so now I have lovely tanned legs with 4 or 5 white streaks down the top. Fair enough, I really just wanted tanned shins anyway so I can wear my skirts/dresses.

Off to feed I went with a towel under me (again, still paranoid of this tanning solution getting everywhere). Ben happily chugging down his milk and now I realise it's not just the center of my boobs he needs access to because he leans on me obviously and I'm also terrified that I didn't scrub enough off. So I have visions of him looking up at the end of the feed with a lovely 5 o'clock shadow. He fell asleep so I put him down and kept coming back to hover over him to see if he had tan marks on his face but all looked okay. Hovering must have woken him up so he started crying and we went back to the rocker where I fed him on the other side. Not because he had drained the first side, mind you, just so in case he turns out with his own spray tan it would at least be even. Marcel is going to kill me.

Anyway, that's the latest adventure in the land of the terrible mother. I'll post pictures if I turn out any comically unnatural colours!