Working Class Ash

So, I have news. Folks, I have gotten a job! Can you believe it - little old me, back in the working world? Crazy. I'll give you more information after I start next week but I am very happy about where I'll be working, who I'll be working with & what I'll be doing so I'm just 100% excited!

Welllll, maybe 99% excited.

The other 1% is pure terror. There's the awful fear that I'm going to show up & my brain, which I assumed will still be capable of logistical and production tasks, will turn out to have shriveled away. If someone asks me about the status of a program, will I shout "Great fires of London!" like Fireman Sam? Will my office small talk be peppered with choice anecdotes like "... & then the BLUE Wiggle FIRED the yellow Wiggle & replaced him with the OLD yellow Wiggle, now they're all retiring anyway ...?" I'm a different person than I used to be. I can't possibly be more boring than I was before but I'm definitely different!

Most importantly, there is the feeling that I think most moms face when they choose (or have) to go back to work - am I going to ruin my kids? Are they going to hate me? Am I being selfish?

AM I A BAD MOM?

I think I've made it quite clear over the years that I'm not the most qualified woman in the world to be a full-time mom - there have been periods of frustration, rage and everyone's favorite, depression. I will never be able to erase the mental picture of myself (brace yourselves for this story) breastfeeding a wailing newborn Evan while I was on the toilet with gosh-awful diarrhea, sobbing because the stomach pains were causing my raw c-section incision to throb to new and unholy levels of agony. On my worst days, I let that humiliating time serve as a reminder that I can survive anything. And yes, I plan to trot that lovely story out as often as needed to remind my new coworkers that I'm not a lady to be doubted. Diarrhea/breastfeeding/surgery pain/crying stories are the way to impress new colleagues, right?

So yes, I have had some rough times as a stay at home mom and any time a jackass refers to being a mother as "the hardest job you'll ever love" with a patronizing smirk, I will be the first to say "Um yeah, it actually is." That jackass probably won't be worthy of my heroic tale of poopin' & boobin' but he or she will get the royal stinkeye.

Have I ever mentioned that I actually LOVE being a mom, by the way? I realize I tend to use this blog as a catharsis for the hard, the miserable and (thankfully) the hilarious but I seriously am so utterly grateful that I was able to be with Benny & Evan as long as I have. They are the coolest kids around & we've had some amazing times together - watching them grow into little boys is the best thing in the world. And now I'm weepy again.

Fear not, they will be in capable hands. Ben is starting back to daycare on Monday - he'll be going full time at an Adventist school just down the street from where Marcel's mom is a Pastor so we're very excited to have gotten him in there. I hope he loves being full time as much as we think he will but if not, we'll be going back down to a few days a week instead.

Marcel will be home with Evan & freelancing a bit with his editing & graphics from his new, awesome home office. I'm actually so excited about the two of them spending more time together because a certain older brother usually prevents Evan from getting much alone time with good old Dada. Marcel is great with him as far as getting him down for naps, etc. so I think it will be a walk in the park for him.

Oh crap! I need helpful advice for one area - breast pumps! Yes, I'm still breastfeeding Evan. We talked about just weaning him now because he's darn well old enough (coming from the woman who nursed Ben until 19 months) & I think he'd be okay. I don't know if it's me being my emotional self who is a hippie when it comes to this area but I'm not really ready to wean him completely. This is going to sound completely backwards to most people but if I could wean his day feeds & keep feeding him at night for a few more weeks, I'd be happy. He's still sleeping with us from about midnight or so, which is SO much easier now that we have a king size bed by the way, but he doesn't drink too terribly much unless he's teething. Can you just wean day feeds like that or will my supply drop? I assume since you can wean night feeds & keep your supply up for just day feeds that it's totally possible to do the ridiculous opposite? I'll start by pumping milk for him to have while I'm gone so it's not a cold turkey situation then wind it down from there. Then when all the shakeup has settled down a bit & he's used to be being away all day, we'll start addressing the co-sleeping & night feeding. He'll probably be a champ but I'm not quite ready to let my last baby go!

And on the pumping note, does anyone have recommendations for good pumps? And because I don't plan on doing it for months & months, has anyone had good or bad experiences with rental places?

On that note, I am going to do a little bit of cleaning. My parents are driving up for a visit - YAY!! So it would be nice if our house looked a bit liveable & less like the tropical storm concentrated on our particular house. I shouldn't make jokes because I know how absolutely devastated New York & New Jersey are at the moment & it's heartbreaking. I've donated to the Red Cross & I hope you have too if you're able.

Have a lovely night & I can't wait to tell you more about my new job next week!