oh no

I consider myself a savvy woman of the world. Well, if you don't count that declaration, which sounds dated & dweeby. In general I think it would be pretty darn hard to pull one over on this gal - I have read enough detective-type novels to know what's what in the criminal mind & in my worst moods I have silently wished someone would try to mug me just so I could beat the crap out of someone. That's right, I assume I'll win.

So riddle me this folks, what did I do when a tradesman dude showed up on my doorstep to fix something that I thought was already fixed? I shrugged my shoulders, let him in, proceeded to tell him that we don't have that alarm system actually hooked up, nope there's no dog to worry about & sure you can piddle around in my garage while I'm cleaning things up around the house. I'll just leave my purse & all our valuables right there on the table near the tiny vulnerable children while I'm scampering between rooms.

Ugh, what good am I?

Granted he came in an actual Telstra truck & we have been having internet problems but they really didn't give us any assurance on the phone that it was fixable & Marcel didn't think they ever mentioned sending someone out to fix it. I saw no problems with any part of this scenario as it unfolded.

He was here for about an hour & it wasn't until about the second half-hour, way after I told him about the alarm not being connected to anything (which was actually relevant to his work, RIGHT?) & that no dogs would attack him, I thought this could have all been very suspicious. I was clued in by my savvy right hand man, Benny.

As the dude (nope, didn't bother to ask for a name) was making an unholy commotion in the garage, Ben & I had the following conversation:

Ben:  Hear that noise?
Ash:  Yeah, I hear it.
Ben:  What that noise?
Ash:  I don't know. I guess it's the dude.
Ben: SILENCE
Ash:  I guess he's drilling something? Maybe looking for a wire? Adding something to something else?
Ben:  SILENCE
Ash:  I don't know what that noise is.
Ben walks outside & peers over the gate into the garage.
Ben:  I see you! (to the dude)
Ash:  Don't bother him, Ben! He's working ... on something.

He went in & out of our back fence & was seriously making enough of a racket that he could have made a thousand keys to match our lock (what? he could have had secret locksmithing tools!) or he could have been digging a tunnel directly into our house & I never would know until my tiara collection disappeared or my diamond-studded hundred dollar bill stash came up missing.

Anyway, all's well that ends well because our internet works like a dream now - he doubled the speed by replacing a wire that someone in the past obviously chose to fix WITH TAPE when it ripped or whatever.

I'm still not clear on what happened today but I have now realized that it's really the perfect scheme. A handyman that actually fixes a problem like a leak or mysterious electrical thing that no one knows any better about AND they dig a tunnel into your personal jeweled jumprope museum. So when they leave you think everything's hunky dory but when you go to take a luxurious exercise break a few days later (no one uses jewelled jump ropes every day, duh), BAM! You realize you've been screwed.

It will still take you a while to put two & two together, wouldn't it? Because that dude solved something, gosh darn it, he can't be bad. And by the time you admit to the police "Well, there was this dude that asked a lot about alarms & dogs but I can post pictures to Facebook faster now so it can't be him ... hang on a second, that does sound weeeeird ... ooooh, you don't think it was him, do you?"

Ah well, lucky for me we own nothing of value. But I will keep a fierce eye on the poor Coles delivery guy when he brings my groceries this afternoon, mark my bloody word.

Sorry I've been gone so long. Have you even noticed I was gone? Whatevs, no hard feelings. After all the illnesses were done passing their way through our hallowed halls I was just drained & unhappy & having a hard time coping in general. I'm feeling much better this week after a long weekend with Marcel at home. Hopefully my mood will stay up but I'm still a bit nervous about how down I was actually feeling - very little temper left, no energy or enthusiasm for anything, blah blah blah. Luckily, Evan's 6 month checkup is next week - a little late, whoops - so I guess I'll have the post partum depression talk to make sure all is well with my soul. My mothering skills are already suspect at best so I really don't need emotional bad health on top of that! Shall keep you posted.

I've had so many other things to discuss in this here blog but I've forgotten it all so I'm going to go - I think I hear the grocery truck pulling up anyway. Have to get my game face on so I don't go giving him copies of our front door key & the schedule of when the house is empty or anything.

Take care of yourself!