25 May 2010

Another idiotic adventure with Ashley

Yes, yes, I am still working on my birthday party post but all the pictures are on Facebook already so hold your horses - every time I start on it, something happens to interrupt me or in this case, something FAR more interesting needs to be blogged about. Here we go ...

So, you know how sometimes you have an idea so great that you find yourself thinking, "Self, why have I never thought of this before?" Oh yeah, I had one today. Last night I missed my precious Masterchef because I wanted to watch the Lost finale with Marcel (I had already watched it in the morning because I have no self control) & I knew it was going to be a cracker of an episode because it was a celebrity chef challenge with Marion, who I chose on day 1 as the ultimate winner for this season versus Frank Camorra who was voted Melbourne's number 1 chef or something like that.

Anyhoo, I remembered that they put the episodes online so I figured I'd watch it while Ben had his nap today but then I remember the very obvious point that I have to shower & get ready while he naps or I either have to listen to him cry the whole time or I just end up grungy & gross all day & get nothing done.

Sidenote & embarrassing admission: I am incapable of properly functioning without being clean first. I honestly will not even clean our house without showering & dolling myself up first. Now you've seen me & know that me getting dolled up means a 78 step process that ends with me looking only slightly less troll-esque than when I rolled out of bed but you get the point - I consider a day without bathing as a sick day & will only leave the couch for emergencies or diaper changes.

Whatever, this is where the genius motor starts grinding away in my brain. Let's follow my logic:
Want to watch Masterchef.
Must get ready for the day.
Wait, bath?
Yes, BATH!
I don't really need to wash my hair today but I do need to shave my legs.
Hmmmm, I do have wireless internet & a laptop but where would I put it?
Oh, the hamper is the perfect height.

Cue to me sitting in the bath, shaving my legs, cheering Marion on while she's assembling chicken liver pate cornets out of brick pastry (huh?). All is going smoothly. What could wrong? I know you're imaging the obvious - bath water + laptop + Ashley = perfect klutzy storm. But no, like a terrible reality show the universe decided to go with a twist. While I'm happily engrossed with whether Frank's deep fryer will heat up in time, a FREAKING SPIDER CLIMBS OUT OF THE EDGE OF MY HAMPER & ON TO THE COMPUTER! What the what? Why????

So now I'm frozen. Moving to Australia has given me an irrational fear of spiders because all I hear is that this place has the most deadly spiders in the world. And they are all so scary looking. Well, this one was tiny & had yellow polka dots so probably not the scariest spider out there but he looked like a baby version of something terrifying. And aren't the polka dots just crafty camouflage for the deadly venom lurking inside? And my second layer of irrationality is absolutely convinced that all spiders can jump & will jump in my face like I imagine would happen in a horror movie but I don't watch horror movies because you can see how well I handle scary things.

Normally in this circumstance, my reaction would be to splash the entire bathtub worth of water on the spider while screaming like a banshee. I'm pretty sure that's what the experts would tell you to do as well. But the stupid thing was ON MY COMPUTER with Marion & Frank happily cooking behind it with no idea of the drama unfolding on my side of the screen. So I couldn't drown my computer in waves of arachno-rage & I had to be quiet lest I wake up my son in the next room. I finally picked up my towel & like the immature high school jock that I am, I furiously snapped that towel until the spider finally ran over the the top of the computer & disappeared from sight. I have no idea where he ended up because when I hotfooted out of there I didn't see him & I never turned my back to that half of the bathroom the whole time I was in there.

So I'm alive & the computer is okay, just a few water drops on it from when I tried to google the spider while still in the bathtub, paralyzed with fear. Didn't have any luck finding it so far because no one posts pictures of baby spiders. We just happen to live about 5 minutes away from the Australian Reptile Park, which produces the majority of Australia's anti-venom because they milk poisonous spiders (oh my word, what if my spider ESCAPED from them). I am very tempted to call them because they always say in their presentations that we can call & we can bring spiders in, especially the dangerous ones so they can use their venom for their milking program. I just don't want them to laugh at me when I explain the polka dots. I also do not want to do all the laundry I desperately needed to do today because there is a 99.99999% chance that the spider went back into that hamper. The hamper of doom. The hamper of terror. The hamper that probably houses an entire colony of tiny black spiders with yellow polka dots.

And now I can't figure out if I feel totally nauseated because of the spider drama or because I haven't eaten anything since the strawberry tart I made for breakfast. What? I opened the freezer & saw shortcrust pastry dough & strawberries - what would you have done?? And Ben is still asleep so I really had time to take a quick bath then watch Masterchef & none of this would have happened. Ignorance is bliss.

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