Jerks

So I think I remember this time last pregnancy that I was much more miserable than I am this time - lots of whining throughout my last trimester in general. Then I felt a little smug that I was doing so well this time, then I panicked because even thinking that for a moment seems to guarantee disaster & I'm still waiting on some test results & have an ultrasound in a few weeks so must conserve positivity. Therefore, I decided to make a list of my few complaints this time just to make sure I'm putting a bit of negativity out into the cosmos for old times sake.

And for extra old times sake, I am going to list them in the exact way I used to write out my homework answers (mostly vocabulary words I suppose in this format) in middle school, underlining & indentation included. A teacher complimented me on it ONCE & my head swelled enormously so I still find myself thinking that it must be the way to go. The new slightly greener me realizes I probably wasted a hell of a lot of paper with all my spacing on top of the fact that my loopy handwriting meant I couldn't fit many answers per page.

1. Snoring -
         Hey howdy hey, my husband is not a fan of sharing the bed with me these days. Apparently I am sawing logs & can bring down the house. Unfortunately, the only way he has found to successfully get me to roll over & stop snoring is to push me IN THE FACE. He swears he tries to just shake me or push me in a less terrible way but I only respond to being poked in the face. Good times, good times.
         When I was pregnant with Ben I also snored my fool head off so I know it will go away but I'm not sure our relationship will survive that long with his lack of sleep & my not being a fan of being facially assaulted.

2. Crackly Back -
         This is so minor it's not worth mentioning really but I have noticed that when I roll over in bed (yes, almost all my complaints are sleep-related) my lower back/tailbone area makes a crinkly crunchy noise. No pain, just sounds like my bones are deteriorating under the weight of my enormous girth.

3. Knee pain -
         I know you're thinking that it makes sense to have joint pain, especially the knees since my legs aren't used to carrying all this extra weight around but they only hurt when I'm in bed! It seems like this would be the best time for my knees as I can't imagine what weight they think they're hoisting around down there, doing nothing. Sometimes I even wedge a pillow between my legs under my stomach to take some strain off of my hips, back & whatever else needs it (do not get me started on the stupid pregnancy pillow I got during my last pregnancy that literally surrounded me & did not enjoy a good relationship with Marcel)(we donated that sucker to charity because it was too big to store & too annoying to consider using again). So yes, my knees ache all night for some reason. My hands also fall asleep constantly, especially if I put them under my head or pillow like I apparently do regularly - this doesn't need its own entry on the list.

4. Cellulite & spider veins -
         I should leave these off the list because they're embarrassing but I want to be honest. Now I've got a bit of extra weight on me to begin with before pregnancy so I've got my share of dimples. To be honest, I had dimples & a few spider veins even when I was super skinny many years ago so I should have seen this coming but pregnancy is not kind to my legs & I thank the sweet heavens that I have not had to put on a bathing suit whilst pregnant yet or you would cry. And that would make me cry & it's not nice to make a pregnant woman cry.

5. The Emotional Roller Coaster -
         I completely avoided any waterworks with Ben's pregnancy. Honestly, I think I cried two or maybe three times during the entire pregnancy so I cried even less than I normally would. And the things I cried for were momentous, like Obama's acceptance speech & his inauguration. I can't remember what the third was so maybe it was petty.
         Anyway, this pregnancy is another story. If you had peeked into our house last night, you would have seen me sobbing at a "feel good" news story about retired men making wheelchairs for poor disabled kids in Vanuatu. I was a mess, totally wrecked - terrified my poor husband.

6. A Second First Trimester? -
         Since I've entered my 3rd trimester, which was like a week ago, it's like I'm back to the beginning - so stinking sleepy all the time & I want to E-A-T. More exactly, I want to eat sweets. Cookies, pie, brownies, cake, I can't even think straight sometimes because I'm fantasizing about what terribly unhealthy thing I'm craving at the moment. Thankfully I've been able to control most of my urges but I did a major grocery trip today & it included a brownie mix & some miniature pavlova shells with cream & some lovely fruit that I will add sugar too so it will be syrupy & unhealthy enough to meet my quota. If they manage to last a week in this house while I'm feeling like this, it will be a major victory my friends. There is a good chance I'll be on the couch tonight with a brownie in one hand & a little pavlova in the other, maybe some chips & dip to balance it out ... now I have to go eat something now before I gnaw off my own hand!
         I hope upon hope & wish upon wish that I don't get my first trimester "morning" sickness back - if I do there is no hope for mankind. I will go off on the world like Godzilla taking Tokyo, I tell you. Well, I will do that in my mind because if I'm that ill again I wouldn't be able to scrape myself off the couch & onto a plane so Tokyo is probably pretty safe after all.

Okay, I seriously did hurt myself by typing out my food fantasies so now I have to go do some laundry, clean the kitchen & try my best not to open the pantry or refrigerator.

P.S. I just went to check my weekly pregnancy update (29 weeks today - 10 to go!) & this is the first line:
As your appetite increases to match your baby's third trimester growth spurt, try to resist eating too many cakes, sweets and fast food snacks.


Jerks.